Paranoid Mom

my 5 month just fell off his duyan onto a cement uncarpeted floor...he cried a bit. he was scared and I was scared. After he calmed down, he started laughing and playing...had a quick 20 minute nap, then was up, playing, had his bottle and went to bed, woke up playing and then went back to sleep. I'm still a nervous wreck, but he is fine.. yes i am a 1st time mom who is paranoid about everything!

Clock is Ticking

Film of tears is almost blinding my eyes everytime I get to think of Nanay. She is getting weaker everyday. It is hurting seeing her go through this difficult stage. I had never seen her helpless like this. I realized that she had been wasting away for months. I had been so caught up in my own life that I took her for granted.

It is painful knowing that we only have so little time left together. She would never see me married; she would never hold my son, my daughter. The thought of living the rest of my life without her is almost too much to bear.

Last night, she asked me to go buy her an order of porridge. As I was feeding her, I took the guts to tell her, “Nay, sorry ha?”, willing the tears not to come. She looked me in the eyes and asked “Saan?” I said, “Kasi wala akong nagagawa sayo.” My voice was croaky when I let out those involuntary tears. I tried not to cry but I can’t help it. She just smiled and didn’t say a word. I made an effort to pop in some humor when I told her, “Ito na lang magagawa ko sayo. Subuan ka ng lugaw tsaka painumin ng tubig.” And embraced her. I wiped my tears, conscious that there would soon be a time when this simple act of affection would no longer be possible.

Nanay is turning 74 years old on January 30, God willing. All her life, she has been very good to her family, her friends, her neighbors, to people she knows. She has been the best grandmother to me and I could never ask for more. I love her. I just love her. I am trying to block the future in my head because once she’s gone, I will heartbreakingly miss her all my life.

The Princess is Now Not a Princess

I was raised by my grandmother when I was growing up, same with my eldest brother. My parents are separated and my mother had to work overseas to be a good provider. I would say that my brother and I were lucky enough to be sent to a reputable private school since we started out studying. My family did not allow us to work while studying for the reason that they wanted us to focus entirely on studying. We had to focus on studying which also meant that my grandmother did not want us to worry about household chores. So all the dishwashes and the housecleaning and the laundry and bed-making and fixing this and that and cooking and everything, WE WERE FREE NOT TO DO. Although from time to time, my brother and I did some household tasks but mostly, it included 90% of playing around when we were kids. Even when we reached college, we were still the lucky ones (or the BUM - truth be told) at home. My mom and my grandmother used to say, "Kawawa naman ung mga anak ko. Pagod sa school. Sige na, kumain na kayo. Aral mabuti ha? Ako na maghuhugas ng plato." Something like that. But of course, when we grew up, sometimes we helped out washing dishes but we did not come to the point that we were obliged to clean the house or go to the market, etc etc. My grandmother loved us so much she just wanted to do everything for us. My mom also, as much as she can, she'd do everything and would just ask for help if she is already tired. That is how I grew up. Being serviced and treated like a little princess. Even until now that I am about to hit my 30th year.

Now, I think things would have to change because although I still live in the same house that I have been living at since birth, I was confronted earlier by my grandmother to take responsibility and be helpful at home. Maybe because she cannot move anymore like she used to because of her illness. And my Aunt is blaming her for raising me up like this (lazy, bum, very dependent, irresponsible, immature... basically, u-n-r-e-l-i-a-b-l-e). But you know, I love how my Nanay raised me. I love how she used to wake me up everyday when I was still going to school. I love how she used to scream my name everytime she wakes me up but after 10 minutes or so, I am still on bed :) I love it when she tells me to eat even if I keep on telling her that I am not hungry. I love it when she used to make up my bed. I love it when she cleans up the room even if I tell her not to. I love it when she tells me to eat with her even if I told her that I just had eaten. I love her way of telling me to leave the dishes alone because she knows I am tired studying/working all day. I love her babying me all the time. Although sometimes, I am annoyed of her "paulit-ulit-ulit-ulit" reminders to do this, eat that, take vitamins, put on slippers, etc etc., I love her with all my heart. Maybe she is guilty of not teaching us.. not teaching me how to properly do the laundry, cook sinigang or even adobo, be lady enough to sweep the floor of my own room, how to save money, I do not blame her. I do not blame them. I just know that did it for love. It's their way of letting us feel that they love us very much, they want to take all the pain and all the hardships as much as they could. And now that I am all grown up, I do not know how to cook, I do not hate them for that. I do not even dislike them for raising me up like this.

Anyway, because I want to take away their burden of being blamed about me being a princess (BUM) at home, starting this week, I would have to take care of my dirty clothes, fold and iron them after, wake up earlier and find things to do at home, sleep shorter and I don't know what else. Maybe run errands? Go there, go back there, buy this and buy that.

Just thinking about doing a lot of things terrifies me. I think I will pass out, lose consciousness or something. But I have to do this. Maybe it is also His way of preparing me of a life without Nanay soon, I dunno. Maybe this is gonna be my short and instant training on how to live an independent life. (Although I should have done this way before). Well, I also think I should start learning to do house chores if I am thinking of settling down soon. I don't want Happy starving to death while I am just watching TV (or maybe doing my coloring book), dow'want Happy stink because he had been wearing the same set of clothes for the whole week. I do not want that for my family. 

Okay... Okay... I am just a bit emotional about this. It is going to be a big move for me to accept that I am now an adult. And being an adult, I have to do my own laundry starting this week.

WIFI

Now that we got wifi at home, oh my gosh! This means I'ma have eyebags soon!

Please... NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha