I dreamed of my ex

Mixed emotions of seeing me again with Bubuy in my dream. Such a sad scene.

Kahit sa panaginip, hindi talaga kami pwede. Kahit sa panaginip, hindi pa din sya ang pinili ko. Hinalikan nya ako ng isang malungkot na halik. Tapos sabi ko daw sa kanya na time will never be right for us. I am sorry. Lungkot lang.

The One That Got Away

Just recently, I got reconnected to my highschool friends and batchmates thru Facebook. I was added to our FB group chat. So fun reading the thread and how the conversation was running, with all the teasing and joking and reminiscing. The group met up last Saturday. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go. Last minute advice, I wasn't ready to go out and the kids will be left behind.

So anyway, while back reading the messages, I passed through a photo so familiar but not quite clear as I am using a tiny outdated celfone I borrowed from my Kuya. When I thought I knew the picture, I browsed back and waited for the photo to clear the blurred pixelated parts and true to my hunch, when I zoomed properly, it's a picture from 20 years ago with my highschool friends that I only get to see on Facebook, my childhood bestfriend who just lives nearby our subdivision and I still get to be with occasionally and my highschool ex boyfriend I never get to talk to at all for 2 decades!

This single photo called in lots of memories from my teenage days when I was still ignorant how life really meant, when I thought that lovelife is everything that makes the world go around! Silly me :)  I was on my fourth year when we dated. It was young love and it was memorable. 

Honestly, this would be the first time I ever get to recall this after 1997 and it is quite difficult to dig out those past events from twenty years back. So this is my disclaimer: I am narrating to the best of my knowledge and true to my belief. If there would be anything that I cannot confidently recall, I will say so. Otherwise, this is what I remember with our story:

During our Senior year, not bragging but he was one of the most eligible Seniors in our batch, if not the most. He was a volleyball varsity player and maaan! he was really fresh and handsome with dimples and all, white complexion and doing pretty well in studies, he did not seem to be arrogant or braggy and looked very humble with no boo boo attitude at all. His name was all around our school and my goodness, I wonder if there was anybody who did not know the name Gideon Oroceo!

I know him because he was famous at school. I really find him good looking and always neat wearing his uniform. When playing volleyball, I often see him sweaty but never greasy. He was always presentable even under the heat of the sun. But apparently, at first, I never thought that he was attractive, for me atleast. Maybe because he was not my type and partly because my classmate who was close to me and he were an item (I had always believed that there was something going in between them. Not officially together but something like MU - mutual understanding - MU was the tag during our time, it was late '90s),  and mainly because I was eyeing for someone else, X2.

It was around the second quarter of the school year when all along I thought X2 and I were seemingly being a sweet couple for about a month or two, he suddenly dumped me and it was devastating! I liked him so much that I thought it was love during that time. Haha I gave him gifts and wrote him love letters on those fragrant stationary pad papers. Fancy! But he just threw it all away. Damn! Heartbreak it was. 

Kodak Moment: stolen shot by our friends I didn't know existed
until they showed me this in one of our girl bondings. 

/ Sometime a little bit after that event in my highschool life, Jigs (his nickname) happened to me. If my memory serves me right, one of my classmates, Onin, a good friend to him, introduced him to me one ordinary morning, outside our classroom during our breaktime. From a closer look, i thought that he became more good looking, his dimples deeper. I noticed his good set of white teeth and shiny h air that compliments his round, soft looking face. I don't really remember now what our first conversation was all about but I know that the girl I was during that time felt pretty and beautiful. Oh yah, I wrote down my phone number on his palm. Haha That I remember well! And as he was walking away going back to his classroom (and me going back in to my class) I thought to myself that maybe, just maybe, I was dreaming.

Walking home after our CAT activity.

I remember him always tagging along whenever I was going on CAT activities and competitions. There was also a time that he was teaching me how to play volleyball. My friends who happened to be his classmates and Onin became closer together as the two of us also got to know each other better. While me  and my classmate who was close to me eventually became cold to each other and naturally went on apart, I chose to grab the chance to be with Jigs against all odds (he clarified to me though that they were not together). With all of these, it was so easy to fall for him. I do not remember anymore how we ended up being  boyfriend and girlfriend but I remember that as I knew him further, I learned that he was such a sweet person, funny, smart, gentleman, and so fun to be with. He gave me gifts I dont specifically remember now. No celphones yet but we always always kept in touch.  Our landline phone that time was always busy because we were talking to each other everynight even after we see each other in school and we would still see one another the day after. He was very thoughtful and I felt loved and taken care of.

Dont remember this moment anymore but I suppose this was
taken at Masagana Mall near our school after classes

I remember that we only lasted for three months because I hurt him big time when I told him that though I love him, I still like X2. At that time, I never thought that telling your boyfriend that you like someone else is brutal and rude and fatal and unacceptable. But how would I know? I was 15. I was just learning about love that time. I remember it was December of 1997, during our 2 week Christmas vacation, that we broke up and I can still recall how Boyz II Men's Four Seasons of Loneliness brought tears to my eyes every time I hear the song played on the radio. And I was a radio addict then plus the song was a hit so the chances of being it played over and over was endless haha though confused, I cried a lot that we didn't click. Can't really remember what happened but I recall that we got back together on January 1998 when classes resumed but did not last.  I know that he was a very good person and it is impossible not to like him but I was still young and I really know nothing about serious love that time. Immature me. No regrets - just lesson learned.

When we graduated from Highschool, I had a picture of us taken by my mom. Though I never introduced Jigs to my family, how I wish they could have met him at least. (Now, I am suddenly wondering where have all my HS graduation pics gone?!) And before we finally lose the connection, last time we talked, he told me about Maybeline. She was his childhood friend and that they were going out.

And then I entered College. Then I graduated and flew to Japan to live with my family and study more. Came back to Manila then worked in Singapore. When I settled back here in the Philippines, 20 years now had passed, now, Im married to a very diligent, loving and God-fearing husband and we got two beautiful children, I dont remember Jigs and I having a chance to reconnect. He comes in my mind from time to time, very rare though but never completely out of it. Nothing really serious, just wondering how life has been.

Now going back to reality: Three days ago, when I saw the old picture on our FB group chat, his name came back to  me and it's never been easier to look for his FaceBook  profile. Not so long I found myself looking at his photos with his wife and his kids, now on the other side of the world. With no pretentions, I am happy for him that he has made a beautiful family. I tried to add him as a friend with big hopes he won't snob. Relieved, he accepted. I sent him private message right away saying It's me Ellay. How are you doing? When he replied a little later than two hours with he's ok and that he's at work and asking me as well how am I doing and if i got 2 kids now. I got to answer back after some few hours with full of excitement that I can finally gain back a long lost friend.

Not for anything else, I am just happy to hear and know anything about what happened in a long time we lost the communication. But it's been three days now that I was not replied to. Did not see that coming tho. Nonetheless, I understand if I'd be disregarded. Not a big deal. Might be that he's not comfortable in anyway or could also be because someone might get hurt or just simply he opts to keep the distance the way it's been. No hard feelings. Whatever it is, I am perfectly fine just to be a virtual FB friend, no more no less, to the one that got away.

*This has nothing to do with my relationship with my husband. I just wanted to share some good old memories. Please do not get me wrong, friends. Thanks!

Nanay's 1st Anniversary

It's been a year a now since Nanay passed away. I miss her...

I always thank God that she had been with me when I still could not take care of myself. She served her purpose so well in my life. I think, she went more than what she's supposed to be. She loved me unconditionally, no doubt.

I bet she'd be happy if she were still here... seeing me like this... seeing me with a different view in life :)

I love you, Nay :) you are so much missed!

I AM HERE FOR YOU

It really feels bad when you see someone dear to you get hurt. It,s difficult. More difficult if you know that the people who are causing hurt were once your friends.

Happy is my happiness and I would do anything to make him feel that I appreciate him and all the things he does. Right now, Happy is hurting. How I wish I could share the pain he is feeling but I can't.

Sometimes, I wish that people would just give him a chance to correct his mistakes. Coz right now, some people tend to judge him by his past. It makes me sad. It makes me sad how some people see themselves as self-righteous, maybe thinking of themselves as very clean and never did anything wrong all their lives. But they might not be aware of what they,re doing.

Let's say Happy had been mean one time in his lifetime. But is that enough to label him evil? Everybody deserves a second chance. As long as you are sincere and honest and would really like to make up for all the bad things you've done, I say you can go ahead and make things better.

I just hope these people would just leave Happy alone and mind their own business.

As for me, I'd stay where Happy is. I would want to believe that someday, somewhere, when and where things would get better for you, I would be the person you'd see beside you... the one who had stayed with you all along. no matter what.

I love you, Happy :) and I will be here for you, God willing :)

words...

Do you fully understand their power? Can any of us really grasp the mighty force behind the things we say? Do we stop and think before we speak, considering the potency of the words we utter?

Work Hard

I have been whining about work for a month now. Everything is exhausting! Everything is tiring! This work is draining my energy and my brain has been working double time because this job is really demanding a lot from me.

I have been thinking of quitting and going back to Pan Pacific. Anyway, my Pan Pacific Family is still very open in welcoming me back. It so happened that I just hit my 1st month here in my new job. I still haven't got my bigtime BIGPAY haha. Next week, I am going to receive my first bigtime BIGPAY, after that, I'll weigh again things if I'm gonna stop busting my a** in this job. You know, I am getting old now and I should not be doing this kind of work. It's really painful, being forced to render service overtime EVERYDAY. Believe me, my tolerance is getting weaker and weaker. I dunno... Just as work has been not so good to me, I received the notice from the house and lot that I bought that I have to pay my first month amortization on April 1. How am I supposed to pay for my expenses when I don't have a job??? Pan Pacific "might" get me back... or not... that one, I still have to try my luck.

In the meantime, I want to apologize to all my loved ones who are getting affected of my behavior in connection with this "crazy" employment I have. I keep on whining about what I do. I am sorry.

But there's nothing I could do about this. As long as I work for them, I don't have any right to complain. Don't worry. If the time comes that I really cannot take it anymore, I'll quit.

I WOULDN'T CARE!

***

I noticed, my post doesn't sound really well. My brain is getting dull haha English. English where are you? Grammar Grammar where are you? :))

1 Month Without Nanay Around

It's been a month since Nanay passed away. She would have been happy and proud if she knew that I got in in Diamond Hotel.

I still thank God my Mom is here (and the whole family, of course) to celebrate with me.

I miss Nanay and I would definitely be sad more once Mommy leaves 2 weeks from now.

But God has always been good. I know, I'll get through.

Clock is Ticking

Film of tears is almost blinding my eyes everytime I get to think of Nanay. She is getting weaker everyday. It is hurting seeing her go through this difficult stage. I had never seen her helpless like this. I realized that she had been wasting away for months. I had been so caught up in my own life that I took her for granted.

It is painful knowing that we only have so little time left together. She would never see me married; she would never hold my son, my daughter. The thought of living the rest of my life without her is almost too much to bear.

Last night, she asked me to go buy her an order of porridge. As I was feeding her, I took the guts to tell her, “Nay, sorry ha?”, willing the tears not to come. She looked me in the eyes and asked “Saan?” I said, “Kasi wala akong nagagawa sayo.” My voice was croaky when I let out those involuntary tears. I tried not to cry but I can’t help it. She just smiled and didn’t say a word. I made an effort to pop in some humor when I told her, “Ito na lang magagawa ko sayo. Subuan ka ng lugaw tsaka painumin ng tubig.” And embraced her. I wiped my tears, conscious that there would soon be a time when this simple act of affection would no longer be possible.

Nanay is turning 74 years old on January 30, God willing. All her life, she has been very good to her family, her friends, her neighbors, to people she knows. She has been the best grandmother to me and I could never ask for more. I love her. I just love her. I am trying to block the future in my head because once she’s gone, I will heartbreakingly miss her all my life.

The Princess is Now Not a Princess

I was raised by my grandmother when I was growing up, same with my eldest brother. My parents are separated and my mother had to work overseas to be a good provider. I would say that my brother and I were lucky enough to be sent to a reputable private school since we started out studying. My family did not allow us to work while studying for the reason that they wanted us to focus entirely on studying. We had to focus on studying which also meant that my grandmother did not want us to worry about household chores. So all the dishwashes and the housecleaning and the laundry and bed-making and fixing this and that and cooking and everything, WE WERE FREE NOT TO DO. Although from time to time, my brother and I did some household tasks but mostly, it included 90% of playing around when we were kids. Even when we reached college, we were still the lucky ones (or the BUM - truth be told) at home. My mom and my grandmother used to say, "Kawawa naman ung mga anak ko. Pagod sa school. Sige na, kumain na kayo. Aral mabuti ha? Ako na maghuhugas ng plato." Something like that. But of course, when we grew up, sometimes we helped out washing dishes but we did not come to the point that we were obliged to clean the house or go to the market, etc etc. My grandmother loved us so much she just wanted to do everything for us. My mom also, as much as she can, she'd do everything and would just ask for help if she is already tired. That is how I grew up. Being serviced and treated like a little princess. Even until now that I am about to hit my 30th year.

Now, I think things would have to change because although I still live in the same house that I have been living at since birth, I was confronted earlier by my grandmother to take responsibility and be helpful at home. Maybe because she cannot move anymore like she used to because of her illness. And my Aunt is blaming her for raising me up like this (lazy, bum, very dependent, irresponsible, immature... basically, u-n-r-e-l-i-a-b-l-e). But you know, I love how my Nanay raised me. I love how she used to wake me up everyday when I was still going to school. I love how she used to scream my name everytime she wakes me up but after 10 minutes or so, I am still on bed :) I love it when she tells me to eat even if I keep on telling her that I am not hungry. I love it when she used to make up my bed. I love it when she cleans up the room even if I tell her not to. I love it when she tells me to eat with her even if I told her that I just had eaten. I love her way of telling me to leave the dishes alone because she knows I am tired studying/working all day. I love her babying me all the time. Although sometimes, I am annoyed of her "paulit-ulit-ulit-ulit" reminders to do this, eat that, take vitamins, put on slippers, etc etc., I love her with all my heart. Maybe she is guilty of not teaching us.. not teaching me how to properly do the laundry, cook sinigang or even adobo, be lady enough to sweep the floor of my own room, how to save money, I do not blame her. I do not blame them. I just know that did it for love. It's their way of letting us feel that they love us very much, they want to take all the pain and all the hardships as much as they could. And now that I am all grown up, I do not know how to cook, I do not hate them for that. I do not even dislike them for raising me up like this.

Anyway, because I want to take away their burden of being blamed about me being a princess (BUM) at home, starting this week, I would have to take care of my dirty clothes, fold and iron them after, wake up earlier and find things to do at home, sleep shorter and I don't know what else. Maybe run errands? Go there, go back there, buy this and buy that.

Just thinking about doing a lot of things terrifies me. I think I will pass out, lose consciousness or something. But I have to do this. Maybe it is also His way of preparing me of a life without Nanay soon, I dunno. Maybe this is gonna be my short and instant training on how to live an independent life. (Although I should have done this way before). Well, I also think I should start learning to do house chores if I am thinking of settling down soon. I don't want Happy starving to death while I am just watching TV (or maybe doing my coloring book), dow'want Happy stink because he had been wearing the same set of clothes for the whole week. I do not want that for my family. 

Okay... Okay... I am just a bit emotional about this. It is going to be a big move for me to accept that I am now an adult. And being an adult, I have to do my own laundry starting this week.

Where's the You I've Come to Know?

You used to be fine. You were happy then. Even if things did not work out all for you, you were fine. What happened, Baby? ...I miss your smile. I miss you smile.

Where is the you I have come to know? Where is the you that your friends turn to whenever they feel down? Where is the you who appreciated life even if you only had the simplest things? When are you coming back? Will you be back? Can you still come back?

People miss you, you know? I also miss you... more than anybody else could ever know.

.

Remember When...

(click here to watch video clip with this very touching music)


Remember when I was young and so were you
and time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when

Remember when we vowed the vows
and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookn' back it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are,
Where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when
Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

*************************************

MA-LUNG-KOT

Alam mo yung feeling na malungkot ung loob mo, parang hinahabol mo yung hininga mo tas yung amoy na parang naiiyak ka, gustong tumulo ng luha mo pero di ka pwedeng umiyak kasi madaming tao? Ako alam ko. Ganun kasi ako ngayon eh. Parang andaming sinisigaw ng puso ko. Kaso hindi ko masyadong maintindihan pero ang alam ko, malungkot - ung puso ko... atsaka ako. Malungkot kami. Pero may mga ganitong oras lang talaga ako. Sigurado naman ako na aalis din to mga bukas o kaya sa makalawa. Ang hirap lang kasi bigla bigla na lang ako dinadalaw ng lungkot.

Hinihintay ko yung panahon na hindi na ako makakaramdam ng ganito. Sana maabutan ko pa.

grabbed from http://www.maryjaneseye.blogspot.com/ Posted by mjzl

I hate to see your heart broken in the end. I know you'll be stubborn until you get there and feel all the pain.I see so much things that aren't right at all but your feelings just keep you handicapped to do something about them. I want to control you, tell you where to go, but love is not about taking charge of someone's life at all.I have never loved someone so much as to set them free. I want to tell you that you are going the wrong way but that would just defeat the purpose of letting someone grow and find himself. Always have, always will. Never have I fallen so hard in-love and chose to love responsibly.

Suddenly, I Feel Empty

My problem is that I am not focused! One little thing happens and I am off in never never land.

Suddenly, I feel empty. I feel tired. I feel aimless. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, in moments of painful honesty, I would lie awake and think that I am a failure in all that is important.

This whole thing. . . This whole thing is hard to endure. When things just keep on flashing back, I am too weak not to shed a tear and not to feel a pinch in my heart.

But I have been down this road too many times already. I have to look ahead, not back. I should know by now.

Reblogged

grabbed from http://www.maryjaneseye.blogspot.com/ Posted by mjzl

I hate to see your heart broken in the end. I know you'll be stubborn until you get there and feel all the pain.I see so much things that aren't right at all but your feelings just keep you handicapped to do something about them. I want to control you, tell you where to go, but love is not about taking charge of someone's life at all.I have never loved someone so much as to set them free. I want to tell you that you are going the wrong way but that would just defeat the purpose of letting someone grow and find himself. Always have, always will. Never have I fallen so hard in-love and chose to love responsibly.

Finished Crying and Waiting

I must have cried a river all through these years of waiting for him. Tears are meant to be cried out and I think, even if they are not, I must have cried them anyway- for all the little hope that I kept on wishing, the hurt, pain, disappointment, humiliation, frustration, predicament, torment, misery, madness, torture, the agonizing ache that lived with me and in me all the time I was waiting for him.

Now that the waiting is over, tears gone dry though I wanted to cry more and cry hard for feeling relieved, feeling thankful that finally, the waiting came to its end. Although I did not have him back and story did not turn out the way I was hoping, it ended better as it should be.

The once most important person in my life happened to be a soon stray stranger in my eyes. We loved once upon a time and to me, it is enough. It may be a bitter end but Someone up there knows what is best for us.

One More Chance

Peaceful Soul

"I've paid a considerable price for the little I have gained. I've been forced to deny myself many things I've wanted, to abandon so many roads that were open to me. I've sacrificed my dreams in the name of a larger dream - a peaceful soul. I didn't want to give up that peace."

- Paulo Coelho / By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept p.41

Once upon a time, I believed.

I suddenly understood that even love and caring are not always enough.

Sob :(

oh why do you have to be so wrong??? :(

.

.
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry
I can't let you see what you mean to me
When my hands are tied and my heart's not free
We're not meant to be

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