Masamang Panaginip

Time check: 0742H

Ang aga aga. Tulog pa talaga ako ng mga ganitong oras. Kaso nagising ako, ramdam ko pa yung bigat sa dibdib. Nanalangin muna ako bago ako umupo... Gising na din si Kingkong, nanunuod ng movie...

Tinawag ko sya tapos niyakap. Sabi nya nanaginip ka na naman? ...Nung mga nakaraang araw kasi napapanaginipan ko yung mga ex ko. Natatawa sya pag nagkukwento ako. Kaso iba tong napanaginipan ko. Dahil nung tinanong nya, ano daw napanaginipan ko? Minuestra ko sa kamay ko na wala ka na daw.

Umiyak ako. Ang bigat sa loob. Naaalala ko halos lahat. Sobrang lungkot. Ang lungkot lungkot ko.

Pano daw sya namatay? ....Di ko matandaan eh pero nung nalaman ko daw, sinarili ko muna. Wala pa akong pinagsasabihan. Pero paikot ikot lang ako, di ko alam ang gagawin. Andun sila Hariell at Zeo, pinipilit ko daw maging maayos. May tao din na nagcocomputer, di ko masyado matandaan. Paikot ikot lang ako. Tapos, may nakita daw ako sa social media na nagpost tungkol ke king na parang you are a great loss ganyan ganyan... So naisip ko na may nakakaalam na? ...tumawag daw ako kay Tito Ojie pero si ate jane ang sumagot. "Ate Jane....." "Ano neng? Malubha ba sila DV?" ...."Di ko po alam yung kay Sir Dex pero si King....." — "Wag mo na sabihin......" 

May dumating daw sa babang kwarto. Iniisip ko daw na sana si King yun. Sana di sya nawala. Kaso ang dumating daw para samahan ako ay sina Tita Lyn, tapos may isa pa (si Tito Ode ata yun), tapos si Tito Ojie. Dumating sila para samahan at tulungan ako. Di ko talaga alam anong gagawin ko sa panaginip ko. Sobrang lungkot at lutang.

May parang music video pa daw na bagong gawa nun si king saken kaso di na pala sya makakauwi. 

Habang kinukwento ko ke kingkong yung panaginip ko, nakikinig syang mabuti. Lungkot talaga ako. Ang bigat sa dibdib. 

Tapos sabi nya yung pinapanuod nya din daw na movie ngayon, papatayin daw yung asawa.

Di ko alam sa panaginip ko kung magkasama kaya sila king at DV nun? Di ko alam. basta sana wag muna. Ang hirap nun. Haaaaayyyyy...... :(

A cup of words and coffee - repost

 I came into this verge where I stopped believing i was beautiful. Where I could no longer stare too long on my reflections, where I began evading mirrors. I guess, my body started to lose all its remaining radiance. Today, I know I am more than just ugly. I am more than just a mess to me. I am now a stranger to my own self. I realize I don't wear the same smile I used to wear few years back then. All I have are quick glances and required laughter that simmer too fastly. All I have are scars I hide behind my sleeves, and marks I darted on my own flesh. All I have are broke down memories of unfamiliar happiness, where my mind becomes a five-story building of people climbing up on stairs only to jump on its fifth floor and have me witness it so I could carry the guilt. My heart becomes a massive ocean of loneliness where my childhood memories plunge to revisit its shipwrecks only to turn my present self into one of them. My passion, they all begin to fade like polaroid pictures exposed on a crowd of sharp stares. Suddenly, I forgot how good I was on writing. Suddenly, I forgot to blend my whites on darks to lighten some of my weighty thoughts. Suddenly, I became a trash bin of unfinished drafts and sucked up poems. I no longer have the drive to connect on everything I used to be so passionate before. I was fed up, drained.

Today, as I wipe my mirror from the haze of my shower. I stared less than a minute and watch the person standing in front of me. I am no longer pretty. I am no longer holding the stars on my eyes.  I am no longer the person I wished I was, the person I wished to become. I realize I am just another stranger firing questions and blames to the reflection that holds up the same name as mine. I realize I was tired. I was tired that no matter how long I try to rest, I will still wake up tired.

I don't understand how things go. I don't know how I got here.

All I know is, I am no longer beautiful the way I used to be. All I know is, I am no longer happy.

- Mica Meñez, ugly and sadness
Repost from Facebook

The One That Got Away

Just recently, I got reconnected to my highschool friends and batchmates thru Facebook. I was added to our FB group chat. So fun reading the thread and how the conversation was running, with all the teasing and joking and reminiscing. The group met up last Saturday. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go. Last minute advice, I wasn't ready to go out and the kids will be left behind.

So anyway, while back reading the messages, I passed through a photo so familiar but not quite clear as I am using a tiny outdated celfone I borrowed from my Kuya. When I thought I knew the picture, I browsed back and waited for the photo to clear the blurred pixelated parts and true to my hunch, when I zoomed properly, it's a picture from 20 years ago with my highschool friends that I only get to see on Facebook, my childhood bestfriend who just lives nearby our subdivision and I still get to be with occasionally and my highschool ex boyfriend I never get to talk to at all for 2 decades!

This single photo called in lots of memories from my teenage days when I was still ignorant how life really meant, when I thought that lovelife is everything that makes the world go around! Silly me :)  I was on my fourth year when we dated. It was young love and it was memorable. 

Honestly, this would be the first time I ever get to recall this after 1997 and it is quite difficult to dig out those past events from twenty years back. So this is my disclaimer: I am narrating to the best of my knowledge and true to my belief. If there would be anything that I cannot confidently recall, I will say so. Otherwise, this is what I remember with our story:

During our Senior year, not bragging but he was one of the most eligible Seniors in our batch, if not the most. He was a volleyball varsity player and maaan! he was really fresh and handsome with dimples and all, white complexion and doing pretty well in studies, he did not seem to be arrogant or braggy and looked very humble with no boo boo attitude at all. His name was all around our school and my goodness, I wonder if there was anybody who did not know the name Gideon Oroceo!

I know him because he was famous at school. I really find him good looking and always neat wearing his uniform. When playing volleyball, I often see him sweaty but never greasy. He was always presentable even under the heat of the sun. But apparently, at first, I never thought that he was attractive, for me atleast. Maybe because he was not my type and partly because my classmate who was close to me and he were an item (I had always believed that there was something going in between them. Not officially together but something like MU - mutual understanding - MU was the tag during our time, it was late '90s),  and mainly because I was eyeing for someone else, X2.

It was around the second quarter of the school year when all along I thought X2 and I were seemingly being a sweet couple for about a month or two, he suddenly dumped me and it was devastating! I liked him so much that I thought it was love during that time. Haha I gave him gifts and wrote him love letters on those fragrant stationary pad papers. Fancy! But he just threw it all away. Damn! Heartbreak it was. 

Kodak Moment: stolen shot by our friends I didn't know existed
until they showed me this in one of our girl bondings. 

/ Sometime a little bit after that event in my highschool life, Jigs (his nickname) happened to me. If my memory serves me right, one of my classmates, Onin, a good friend to him, introduced him to me one ordinary morning, outside our classroom during our breaktime. From a closer look, i thought that he became more good looking, his dimples deeper. I noticed his good set of white teeth and shiny h air that compliments his round, soft looking face. I don't really remember now what our first conversation was all about but I know that the girl I was during that time felt pretty and beautiful. Oh yah, I wrote down my phone number on his palm. Haha That I remember well! And as he was walking away going back to his classroom (and me going back in to my class) I thought to myself that maybe, just maybe, I was dreaming.

Walking home after our CAT activity.

I remember him always tagging along whenever I was going on CAT activities and competitions. There was also a time that he was teaching me how to play volleyball. My friends who happened to be his classmates and Onin became closer together as the two of us also got to know each other better. While me  and my classmate who was close to me eventually became cold to each other and naturally went on apart, I chose to grab the chance to be with Jigs against all odds (he clarified to me though that they were not together). With all of these, it was so easy to fall for him. I do not remember anymore how we ended up being  boyfriend and girlfriend but I remember that as I knew him further, I learned that he was such a sweet person, funny, smart, gentleman, and so fun to be with. He gave me gifts I dont specifically remember now. No celphones yet but we always always kept in touch.  Our landline phone that time was always busy because we were talking to each other everynight even after we see each other in school and we would still see one another the day after. He was very thoughtful and I felt loved and taken care of.

Dont remember this moment anymore but I suppose this was
taken at Masagana Mall near our school after classes

I remember that we only lasted for three months because I hurt him big time when I told him that though I love him, I still like X2. At that time, I never thought that telling your boyfriend that you like someone else is brutal and rude and fatal and unacceptable. But how would I know? I was 15. I was just learning about love that time. I remember it was December of 1997, during our 2 week Christmas vacation, that we broke up and I can still recall how Boyz II Men's Four Seasons of Loneliness brought tears to my eyes every time I hear the song played on the radio. And I was a radio addict then plus the song was a hit so the chances of being it played over and over was endless haha though confused, I cried a lot that we didn't click. Can't really remember what happened but I recall that we got back together on January 1998 when classes resumed but did not last.  I know that he was a very good person and it is impossible not to like him but I was still young and I really know nothing about serious love that time. Immature me. No regrets - just lesson learned.

When we graduated from Highschool, I had a picture of us taken by my mom. Though I never introduced Jigs to my family, how I wish they could have met him at least. (Now, I am suddenly wondering where have all my HS graduation pics gone?!) And before we finally lose the connection, last time we talked, he told me about Maybeline. She was his childhood friend and that they were going out.

And then I entered College. Then I graduated and flew to Japan to live with my family and study more. Came back to Manila then worked in Singapore. When I settled back here in the Philippines, 20 years now had passed, now, Im married to a very diligent, loving and God-fearing husband and we got two beautiful children, I dont remember Jigs and I having a chance to reconnect. He comes in my mind from time to time, very rare though but never completely out of it. Nothing really serious, just wondering how life has been.

Now going back to reality: Three days ago, when I saw the old picture on our FB group chat, his name came back to  me and it's never been easier to look for his FaceBook  profile. Not so long I found myself looking at his photos with his wife and his kids, now on the other side of the world. With no pretentions, I am happy for him that he has made a beautiful family. I tried to add him as a friend with big hopes he won't snob. Relieved, he accepted. I sent him private message right away saying It's me Ellay. How are you doing? When he replied a little later than two hours with he's ok and that he's at work and asking me as well how am I doing and if i got 2 kids now. I got to answer back after some few hours with full of excitement that I can finally gain back a long lost friend.

Not for anything else, I am just happy to hear and know anything about what happened in a long time we lost the communication. But it's been three days now that I was not replied to. Did not see that coming tho. Nonetheless, I understand if I'd be disregarded. Not a big deal. Might be that he's not comfortable in anyway or could also be because someone might get hurt or just simply he opts to keep the distance the way it's been. No hard feelings. Whatever it is, I am perfectly fine just to be a virtual FB friend, no more no less, to the one that got away.

*This has nothing to do with my relationship with my husband. I just wanted to share some good old memories. Please do not get me wrong, friends. Thanks!

there will be a last time for everything

when i am feeling exasperated, i like to think in terms of "the last time". as in there will be a last time for everything. when will be the last time i give him a bottle or the last time i put him to bed in his duyan or the last time i can actually cradle my son in my lap or the last time he will let me hold his hand in public?

i just dont care if other moms tell me their kids are already doing this and that and this. somedays i think oh maybe he should be crawling now but when i come home, all i want to do is hold him. i know he'll eventually walk someday.

i just wanna live in the moment.

posted from Bloggeroid

SHIFTING GEAR

reblogged from

http://workawesome.com/career/need-a-career-change/

As a new year begins many things run through our heads. One such thing might be that you wonder if you are in the right job.

You’re not alone.

This is something a lot of people think about from time to time — more so at this time of year. You should know that there are ways in which to find out…and be fully satisfied in your career choice. All you need to do is ask yourself a few questions.

Think About What Drives You

The first thing you must take into consideration when deciding whether you are working in the right job is what drives you. What are your motivations? What are your future goals? What are your dreams? I know it can be difficult to get past the questions of what pays the most and what is the most secure position, however you need to place these questions on the backburner in order to fully focus on your passions and interests. Doing so will help open up careers that you may not have ever thought were possible. Here are some methods you can practice in order to find out what really drives you:

• Focus on those things that you really love to do. The things you have dreamed of doing and that you naturally enjoy doing. Write down everything that comes to mind, regardless of how impossible it may sound.
• Look for clues all around you. Make notes about projects and topics that you are compassionate about Write down what you are excited by. Reflect on the people who inspire you. Ask yourself why some activities make you happy and pay. In addition, pay special attention to the times which you are really enjoying what you are doing.
• Be patient in your search. You need to be willing to be introspective in order to identify the activities that you really enjoy and are truly satisfied by.

Consider Taking a Career Test

Now that you know what drives you, it is important to think about how these things can translate into a new career for you. While it may take a little research, you can find yourself pleasantly surprised by how many careers you find that are actually relevant to your motivations and goals.

You can find some possible career matches by taking a career assessment test. However, don’t get hung up here. Think of these tests merely as a means of self-discovery. Their question’s answers can tell you a lot about your temperament and what career would match these aspects of your personality. They can also help you identify what is important to you in a career, what you would like to do, and what areas you will probably excel in.

One of the career tests that is frequently used by colleges is the RIASEC/Holland interest scale. It will help you to identify 6 areas that you are especially drawn to. After you learn this information about yourself you will be able to look at some careers that match your interests.

Take a Look at Your Skills and Interests

Once you come to agreements about the general scope of your career path, you will need to look at your skill set. Consider what skills you already have, as well as those that you will need. Nobody ever has to start from scratch. There are always transferable skills that can be transferred from one career or job into the work of another career or job. Transferable skills are skills that you already have that can be used in almost any career.

These transferable skills include things like:

• Management skills
• Leadership experience
• Written and oral communication skills
• Research skills
• Program planning skills
• Public speaking skills
• Conflict resolution and mediation skills
• Effective time management skills
• Computer literacy
• Foreign languages that you may speak

You should not limit yourself only to your work and on the job experiences. Whenever you are thinking about your skills, think about everything, including your volunteer experience, hobbies you enjoy, and your life experiences. For instance, even though you may not have any formal leadership experience, you may have organized a toy drive and practiced leadership and management skills within the scope of that project.

Take a Look at Other Careers That Interest You

Once you narrow down some jobs you think you might enjoy, you should go online to research these jobs. You will find information describing the position, the salary you can expect, the training and skills required for the job, and the future and demand for the position. This helps you to answer questions like:

• How stable is this career?
• Are you comfortable with how much risk is involved?
• Is the salary range something that you find acceptable?
• Will you need to relocate?
• Will you need more or different training?
• How will your family be affected?

Get Other People’s Input

While you are working through this process it is important to get support and information from other people. This is vital because the information from your research and quizzes is nothing like the information you receive from people who are already working in your desired position. They will be able to give you a real sense of what the work entails and what tasks you will be performing. This is will let you know whether or not the job will meet your needs and expectations. These people will also be able to help you make connectionswhen you begin actively pursuing the career. Do not be intimidated by these contacts. Instead, treat them as an important part of your future and career development.

You might also want to think about going for career counseling. A job coach can be a great tool in career development. They are especially helpful when you are considering a major career change. Job coaches will be able to give you impartial advice that is not biased by personal motive or gain. They can help you think objectively regarding a career change.

Conclusion

Making a career change can be a scary process. Also, you may already be working in your “field of dreams”. The only way to find out is to ask yourself if you are happy with your job and career choices. Would you be happier to get up and go to work if you were doing something else? The question is yours to answer. If you do decide to take the plunge and shift from one career to another remember that success is relative to your peace of mind, money isn’t everything, and you really can do whatever it is that drives you.

(Image courtesy of Brilliant Michael under a Creative Commons 2.0 Attribution generic license.)

I AM HERE FOR YOU

It really feels bad when you see someone dear to you get hurt. It,s difficult. More difficult if you know that the people who are causing hurt were once your friends.

Happy is my happiness and I would do anything to make him feel that I appreciate him and all the things he does. Right now, Happy is hurting. How I wish I could share the pain he is feeling but I can't.

Sometimes, I wish that people would just give him a chance to correct his mistakes. Coz right now, some people tend to judge him by his past. It makes me sad. It makes me sad how some people see themselves as self-righteous, maybe thinking of themselves as very clean and never did anything wrong all their lives. But they might not be aware of what they,re doing.

Let's say Happy had been mean one time in his lifetime. But is that enough to label him evil? Everybody deserves a second chance. As long as you are sincere and honest and would really like to make up for all the bad things you've done, I say you can go ahead and make things better.

I just hope these people would just leave Happy alone and mind their own business.

As for me, I'd stay where Happy is. I would want to believe that someday, somewhere, when and where things would get better for you, I would be the person you'd see beside you... the one who had stayed with you all along. no matter what.

I love you, Happy :) and I will be here for you, God willing :)

1 Month Without Nanay Around

It's been a month since Nanay passed away. She would have been happy and proud if she knew that I got in in Diamond Hotel.

I still thank God my Mom is here (and the whole family, of course) to celebrate with me.

I miss Nanay and I would definitely be sad more once Mommy leaves 2 weeks from now.

But God has always been good. I know, I'll get through.

Time's Up!

We are here at Nanay's wake, gathered with broken hearts and teary eyes. She already left and is now in God's hands. I am going to miss her so much. We will miss everything about her. Life would definitely be different from now on.

She's a Fighter

Nanay on her 11th day at the hospital, me and my big bro carrying Miro  - photo taken by my cousin, Madel

Thank God she's a fighter. She's still hanging on. I love her for being strong. But lately, she's been sleeping a lot and her hands and jaw are shaking involuntarily. We feel that she's getting tired, I dunno. I always pray to God to ease her from pain. I just want the best for her. If resting is the best for her, may His will be done. I just love her so much :'(

Where's the You I've Come to Know?

You used to be fine. You were happy then. Even if things did not work out all for you, you were fine. What happened, Baby? ...I miss your smile. I miss you smile.

Where is the you I have come to know? Where is the you that your friends turn to whenever they feel down? Where is the you who appreciated life even if you only had the simplest things? When are you coming back? Will you be back? Can you still come back?

People miss you, you know? I also miss you... more than anybody else could ever know.

.

Why are We Still Friends?

We do almost everything That lovers do And that why's it's hard Just to be friends with you And everytime your heart is broken By the fool I want you to know That it hurts me too It's hard to wipe your tears away Knowing you should be with me, tell me Chorus: Why, why are we still friends When everything says We should be more than what we are And tell me why Everytime I find someone that I like We always end up being just friends Verse 2 I would hate for you to find somebody new Who you really love Cause it could mean losing you But am I a fool girl not to say If I'm always scared I'll lose you anyway Somehow someway I've got to choose Got to choose no matter if it's win or lose (repeat chorus) Bridge: I don't want to be like your brother I don't want to be your best friend I only want to be your lover When will this end? If I told you that I want to be in your life? If you could be the woman in mine

SaPpy Day

For the longest time that I haven't used my cheap hated blackberry celfone, I was stucked with it on time when I was supposed to badly have a good working phone. 'coz you see, I waited for hours in a lonely place where all I can do is to watch people come in and out of a crowded lounge- hoping that a familiar face would soon meet my eyes. I searched few times for any saving grace in my bag (book, pen, iPod, crossword puzzle, or my other phone that I could use to access mobile internet but booboo - there's none!) Where was my mind when I needed it the most??? ~insert Forgetful Lucy here~

Anyway, here are the only three photos I took in memory of this "sappy day"

(half sad + half happy = sappy)

This is me, as you know, I look stupid. Maybe because of the stress of the long waiting and the fact that my camera's phone is almost busted, I looked like a boy! Look even more funny, yah?

The last bottled water and the censored bag

Such a lonely place. Hate lonely place! :(

:( ByeBuyOink :(

Remember When...

(click here to watch video clip with this very touching music)


Remember when I was young and so were you
and time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when

Remember when we vowed the vows
and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookn' back it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are,
Where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when
Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

*************************************

A Little Too Not Over You

It never crossed my mind at all
That's what I tell myself
What we had has come and gone
You're better off with someone else

It's for the best I know it is but I see you
Sometimes I try to hide what I feel inside
And I turn around, you're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you, not over you

Aren't memories supposed to fade?
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go
Didn't think it'd be this hard

Should be strong, movin' on but I see you
Sometimes I try to hide what I feel inside
And I turn around, you're with him now
I just can't figure it out

Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Maybe I regret everything I said
No way to take it all back, yeah
Now I'm on my own, how I let you go
I'll never understand
I'll never understand!

Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you

Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth
And I really don't know what to do
I'm just a little too not over you, not over you


[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/david-archuleta-lyrics/a-little-too-not-over-you-lyrics.html ]

Fallen - Sarah Mclachlan

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

BAD-WORSE-WORST

This is bad. I am running out of money.

What is worse is I am running out of reasons.

And the worst part is I am running out of hope.

Can someone remind me how bad it is to give up on life?

MA-LUNG-KOT

Alam mo yung feeling na malungkot ung loob mo, parang hinahabol mo yung hininga mo tas yung amoy na parang naiiyak ka, gustong tumulo ng luha mo pero di ka pwedeng umiyak kasi madaming tao? Ako alam ko. Ganun kasi ako ngayon eh. Parang andaming sinisigaw ng puso ko. Kaso hindi ko masyadong maintindihan pero ang alam ko, malungkot - ung puso ko... atsaka ako. Malungkot kami. Pero may mga ganitong oras lang talaga ako. Sigurado naman ako na aalis din to mga bukas o kaya sa makalawa. Ang hirap lang kasi bigla bigla na lang ako dinadalaw ng lungkot.

Hinihintay ko yung panahon na hindi na ako makakaramdam ng ganito. Sana maabutan ko pa.

Tuktok

Mag-aalas-dos na ng madaling araw gising pa ako. Bukod sa naka-sick leave ako ng limang araw, pangatlo pa lang ngayon, nagiinternet din ako para malibang habang panik-panaog sa kwarto ko. Asa baba kasi si Nanay. Ginawan sya ng higaan ng Tatay ko para hindi na sya mahirapan umakyat-baba sa kwarto nila.

Kung nabasa mo ung post ko tungkol ke Adela, alam mo na na meron syang sakit. May cancer sya. Una, breast cancer ung nadiagnose sa kanya, siguro mga lima o anim na taon na ata. Tapos, nung nakaraang taon, sabi ng doktor, kalat na ung cancer nya sa buto. Nahawa na. Nabalian ng buto si Nanay, magiisang linggo na, kaya nakabenda ung braso nya, sementado. Kanina, galing sila ng Tito ko sa ospital, ang sabi ng Doktor, hindi na daw ooperahin si Nanay para itama ung nabaling buto nya kasi marupok na ung iba nyang buto. Nakita nga sa result ng bonescan, napakadaming tama na ng mga buto nya. Meron na rin pati sa ulo. Pero nagpapasalamat ako sa Dios, kahit na kalat na ung sakit nya, hindi nanghihina si Nanay, lumalaban kasi sya, tsaka masayahin sya. Sabi nga ng Doktor, dapat ung mga ganung kaso, ung pasyente, bed ridden na, madami nang sumasakit. Pero si Nanay, eto, awa ng Dios, nakakalakad naman, hindi nawawalan ng gana kumain.

Sabi ko nga, akyat baba ako kasi pag kumatok si nanay sa hagdanan, ibig sabihin tinatawag nya ako. Yun ung sinabi kong gawin nya para hindi na sya sumigaw ng pangalan ko. Madali ko namang madinig ung tuktok nya kasi wala namang pintuan ung kwarto ko. Pagbaba ko ng hagdanan, andun na ung kama nya. Nakailang tuktok na din si Nanay para tawagin ako. Kadalasan para samahan sya sa CR. Kailangan kasi buhusan ng dalawang beses ung inidoro pagkaihi nya kasi may radioactive ung ihi nya. Makakasama sa mga bata kong pinsan pag nadikit sa kanila.

Etong huli kong baba, hindi naman sya tumuktok pero pagkakita ko, wala sya sa kama. Nasa CR to malamang, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Andun nga sya. Sakto, sabi nya buhusan ko daw ung kubeta. Tapos sabi nya, ipagtimpla ko daw sya ng gatas. Tapos, nagugutom daw sya. Wala naman kaming makitang kukutin dun sa kusina. Sabi nya kasi gusto nya daw ng Sky Flakes. Ala-una pasado na, gusto nya ng Sky Flakes. Sa normal na pagkakataon, malamang sa hindi, iingil ako para sabihin na gabi na Nay, walang Sky Flakes. Iba na lang, ano gusto nyo? Walang Sky Flakes. Kaso biglang pumasok sa isip ko na dati, nung hindi nakabenda ung kamay nya, lalabas sya ng bahay para bumili sa tindahan, maski medyo gabi na pag sinabi kong gusto ko ng pansit canton. Maski kelan, parang hindi ko matandaan na hinindian ako ng Nanay ko pag meron akong inutos sa kanya sa tindahan. Hindi kasi ako pala-labas ng bahay kaya sanay sya na bumibili para saken. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, gusto ni Nanay ng Sky Flakes. Walang ibang taong gising kundi ako tsaka sya lang. Kanino pa sya maguutos? Hindi ko na pinatagal, ang sabi ko, ilan ang gusto nya? Tatlo daw. Wala na bang iba, Nay? Sky Flakes lang? Oo daw. Kumuha ko ng pera, nagbihis, naglakad ako sa tindahan. Buti bukas pa ung isang tindahan malapit kila Kapitan. Kung sarado un, dadayo ako sa 7-11 sa kanto namin. Bumili ako ng pitong Sky Flakes, dalawang pansit canton, tsaka Rejoice. Bale ung iba, akin. Sinabay ko lang.

Pagbalik ko sa bahay, nakita ko si Nanay, kumakain ng biscuit! Pmbihira, may biscuit pala, lumabas pa ako. Pero okay lang, hindi naman ako nainis. Kasi nabili ko ung gusto nya. Sa ordinaryong pagkakaton, malamang, nagreklamo na ako kasi lumabas pa ako tapos may pagkain naman pala. Naispoiled kasi ako masyado ni Nanay kaya hindi rin ako sanay ng inuutusan. Pero ngayon, bawat kibot, utos nang utos si Nanay. Ayokong mainis kahit minsan nakakapagod kasi kung ano maisipan nya, iuutos sayo. Kaso sya un eh. Naiisip ko na lang, nung bata nga ako, maski makulit ako, lagi nya akong inaalalayan. Nung bata nga ako, pinapaliguan nya ako. Nung bata ako maski ngayong malaki na ako, pag may sakit ako, binibilan nya ako ng gamot, dinadalan ng pagkain. Nililinis nya ung kwarto ko, tinutupi ung mga damit, pinaghahainan pagkadating ko sa trabaho. Ngayong sya naman ang may kailangan saken, maiinis ba ako? Magsasawa ba ako? Kung tutuusin, hindi naman nya ako uutusan kung kaya nya lang eh. Kaso hindi na nga nya kaya eh. Kaya ako naman.

Habang nasa kusina kami:

Nanay: Asan na ung will na ginawa natin sa computer mo dati?

Ellay: Andyan. Kaso hindi pa po napiprint.

Nanay: Halika, ayusin natin. Kasi ung apartment, gusto ko lalake, babae, lalake, babae. (ibig nyang sabihin, ipapamana nya sa anak nyang lalake, babae, lalake, babae. Apat kasi anak nila ni Tatay. Sakto sa apartment nilang apat na pinto)

Ellay: O sige, pero bukas na. Gabi na eh.

Nanay: *ngumiti. Sabay nagsalita na naman* Yung mga singsing ko, eto, bibigay ko ke Mommy mo. Yung bigay ni Mommy mo dati saken, bibigay ko ke Ate Elvie mo. Yung iba ke Ate Jane mo. Yung mga hikaw, ke Tita Lyn. Meron pa ung parang plawer.

Ellay: Plawer na hikaw? Parang hindi ko pa nakikita yun.

Nanay Meron yun. Bibigay ko na lang din yun. Tapos yung mga pera, hindi ko nga alam kung kanino ko iiwan.

Ellay: *natawa ako* Hay nako! Basta yung pera, wag nyo saken iiwan! Hahaha Mahirap na! Iwan nyo kila Tito Ojie.

Nanay: *natawa din* Bibigay ko na lang kila Ojie, kila Jane. Bahala na sila magabot ng pera ke Tatay mo. Pang-gamot.

Ellay: Nalulungkot ka, Nay?

Nanay: Oo pero natanggap ko na na kung kukunin ako ni Lord, hanggang dun na lang talaga.

Ellay: Oo nga. Kung tutuusin, mahaba na din ipinagkaloob nya sa inyo. Yung iba nga, trenta pa lang, tsugi na. Hindi na nila nakita yung mga anak nila.

Nanay: *tumango lang*

Ellay: Pero ako, hindi nyo na makikita mag-asawa no?

Nanay: *natawa* Hindi na.

Ellay: Hahaha De, bukas, magaasawa na ako!

Nanay: *ngumiti lang*

Ngumiti lang si Nanay pero yung mata niya, nararamdaman ko, may lumbay. Nagaalala siguro sya na maiiwan nya kami. Maski kelan kasi hindi nya iniwan tong pamilya nya para maglakwatsa. Lagi syang nagluluto, nagaasikaso. Kung minsan lalabas sya para mag-tong its o mag-majong, sigurado un, maayos na ung bahay bago sya umalis.

Nanay: Hinahanap ko ung luto ko.

Ellay: *tinignan ko lang sya. Hindi ko kagad nagets*

Nanay: Gusto ko uli magluto.

Ellay: *ngumisi lang*

Nanay: Naisip ko, nung ung Nanay ko, kahit matanda na sya, maski wala na syang silbi non, nakahiga lang, masaya sa loob na napagsisilbihan ko sya. Kahit wala na syang ginagawa, nagiisip bata, basta andyan lang sya, okay sa akin. (ung Nanay kasi ni Nanay bale lola ko sa tuhod, namatay ng 99 years old. Naabutan ko pa sya. Namatay ata sya highschool na ako. As in matanda na talaga. Naligwak lang sya dahil sa katandaan. Wala kasing sakit un eh)

Ellay: Wala syang sakit dati Nay eh no? E kayo, ano gusto nyo, mabuhay ng matagal pero may sakit o mawala na tapos magpapahinga na lang kayo.

Nanay: Oo nga...

Etong mga susunod na salita, mabagal kong sinasabi dahil kinokontrol ko ung boses kong manginig, tsaka ung luha kong mamuo sa mata ko.

Ellay: Basta Nay, pag wala ka na, aalis na lang ako ha? Magaabroad na lang ako.

Nanay: Ikaw ang bahala.

Ellay: Magiipon na lang muna ako pag wala ka na.

Nanay: *kumakain lang ng Sky Flakes habang sinasawsaw sa gatas*

Pero kahit na anong pigil ko sa nararamdaman ko, lumabas din sya. Hindi ko matignan sa mukha si Nanay habang naginginig ung boses ko. Lumabo ung mata ko dahil sa luha.

Ellay: Hindi ko na kasi alam kung anong gagawin ko pag wala ka na e.

Nanay: E di mag-ayos ka ng sarili mo. Pag wala na ako, lilinisin mo ung kwarto mo.

Ellay: Hindi, aalis na lang ako. Maghahanap na lang ako ng papatirahin sa kwarto ko.

Natapos ang usapan namin nung saktong maubos na ung gatas nya. Hinugasan ko ung pinaginuman nya, nagCR sya uli, binuhusan ko ng dalawang beses yung inidoro, tsaka ko sya hinatid sa higaan nya.

Magaalas-dos na ng madaling araw. Nagpaalam na ako ke Nanay na hindi na ako bababa. E pano daw pag tumuktok sya? Sabi ko, sige lang. Katok ka lang. Basta pag kumatok ka, bababa ako. Matulog na kayo. Good night, sabi ko.

Eto, kakasilip ko lang sa kanya uli. Natutulog na sya. Nakatagilid sa kaliwa dahil nga sa sementado ung kanan nyang braso. Matutulog na din ako. Pero pipilitin kong magising sa awa ng Dios pag tumuktok sya. Hindi ko kasi alam kung hanggang kelan ko sya pwedeng mapagsilbihan sa kahit maliit na paraan lang. Basta pag narinig ko ung tuktok nya sa hagdanan, babangon ako, awa at tulong ng Dios... kahit anong oras pa.