Sunday, December 3, 2017
Thursday, November 30, 2017
I have always been like this since sixteen years ago - I chanced on knowing God's Words. And it sounds weird to this modern world, when people ask me why I am like this, I answer, "Kasi dito ako naliwanagan."
I tried walking away when my mind was giving up but God is so kind that He blessed me with so many second chances.
I always say that I am unworthy. Even now. Or should I say, especially now. I am unworthy of His goodness. But I am grateful that, I feel, He still wants me here.
Today is my 16th year in the Church. I might not be as fervent as I was when I first knew Him but even if myself is divided to many obligations now, I feel that my faith in God will not be shaken; as if it is rooted in the deepest part of me and can never be taken away by anyone else. I know it is because of His endless mercy and love and faith, as well.
I do not want to excuse or justify myself why I am like this. I suppose it will always sound unusual to them but I pray that they, too, will understand one day why I am choosing this life; The life with God. The life with God's protection and mercy and love.
Life with Him is hopeful. With Him, I am protected and not lost. Endless security I cannot enumerate all. I am just so thankful for today and for the first day He took me in.
Glory to God and to Christ Jesus for everything that I am and I have. Thankful for everything I am not and do not have. Happy 16th to me. TGBTG!
Friday, October 20, 2017
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Just recently, I got reconnected to my highschool friends and batchmates thru Facebook. I was added to our FB group chat. So fun reading the thread and how the conversation was running, with all the teasing and joking and reminiscing. The group met up last Saturday. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go. Last minute advice, I wasn't ready to go out and the kids will be left behind.
So anyway, while back reading the messages, I passed through a photo so familiar but not quite clear as I am using a tiny outdated celfone I borrowed from my Kuya. When I thought I knew the picture, I browsed back and waited for the photo to clear the blurred pixelated parts and true to my hunch, when I zoomed properly, it's a picture from 20 years ago with my highschool friends that I only get to see on Facebook, my childhood bestfriend who just lives nearby our subdivision and I still get to be with occasionally and my highschool ex boyfriend I never get to talk to at all for 2 decades!
This single photo called in lots of memories from my teenage days when I was still ignorant how life really meant, when I thought that lovelife is everything that makes the world go around! Silly me :) I was on my fourth year when we dated. It was young love and it was memorable.
Honestly, this would be the first time I ever get to recall this after 1997 and it is quite difficult to dig out those past events from twenty years back. So this is my disclaimer: I am narrating to the best of my knowledge and true to my belief. If there would be anything that I cannot confidently recall, I will say so. Otherwise, this is what I remember with our story:
During our Senior year, not bragging but he was one of the most eligible Seniors in our batch, if not the most. He was a volleyball varsity player and maaan! he was really fresh and handsome with dimples and all, white complexion and doing pretty well in studies, he did not seem to be arrogant or braggy and looked very humble with no boo boo attitude at all. His name was all around our school and my goodness, I wonder if there was anybody who did not know the name Gideon Oroceo!
I know him because he was famous at school. I really find him good looking and always neat wearing his uniform. When playing volleyball, I often see him sweaty but never greasy. He was always presentable even under the heat of the sun. But apparently, at first, I never thought that he was attractive, for me atleast. Maybe because he was not my type and partly because my classmate who was close to me and he were an item (I had always believed that there was something going in between them. Not officially together but something like MU - mutual understanding - MU was the tag during our time, it was late '90s), and mainly because I was eyeing for someone else, X2.
It was around the second quarter of the school year when all along I thought X2 and I were seemingly being a sweet couple for about a month or two, he suddenly dumped me and it was devastating! I liked him so much that I thought it was love during that time. Haha I gave him gifts and wrote him love letters on those fragrant stationary pad papers. Fancy! But he just threw it all away. Damn! Heartbreak it was.
|Kodak Moment: stolen shot by our friends I didn't know existed|
until they showed me this in one of our girl bondings.
/ Sometime a little bit after that event in my highschool life, Jigs (his nickname) happened to me. If my memory serves me right, one of my classmates, Onin, a good friend to him, introduced him to me one ordinary morning, outside our classroom during our breaktime. From a closer look, i thought that he became more good looking, his dimples deeper. I noticed his good set of white teeth and shiny h air that compliments his round, soft looking face. I don't really remember now what our first conversation was all about but I know that the girl I was during that time felt pretty and beautiful. Oh yah, I wrote down my phone number on his palm. Haha That I remember well! And as he was walking away going back to his classroom (and me going back in to my class) I thought to myself that maybe, just maybe, I was dreaming.
|Walking home after our CAT activity.|
I remember him always tagging along whenever I was going on CAT activities and competitions. There was also a time that he was teaching me how to play volleyball. My friends who happened to be his classmates and Onin became closer together as the two of us also got to know each other better. While me and my classmate who was close to me eventually became cold to each other and naturally went on apart, I chose to grab the chance to be with Jigs against all odds (he clarified to me though that they were not together). With all of these, it was so easy to fall for him. I do not remember anymore how we ended up being boyfriend and girlfriend but I remember that as I knew him further, I learned that he was such a sweet person, funny, smart, gentleman, and so fun to be with. He gave me gifts I dont specifically remember now. No celphones yet but we always always kept in touch. Our landline phone that time was always busy because we were talking to each other everynight even after we see each other in school and we would still see one another the day after. He was very thoughtful and I felt loved and taken care of.
|Dont remember this moment anymore but I suppose this was|
taken at Masagana Mall near our school after classes
I remember that we only lasted for three months because I hurt him big time when I told him that though I love him, I still like X2. At that time, I never thought that telling your boyfriend that you like someone else is brutal and rude and fatal and unacceptable. But how would I know? I was 15. I was just learning about love that time. I remember it was December of 1997, during our 2 week Christmas vacation, that we broke up and I can still recall how Boyz II Men's Four Seasons of Loneliness brought tears to my eyes every time I hear the song played on the radio. And I was a radio addict then plus the song was a hit so the chances of being it played over and over was endless haha though confused, I cried a lot that we didn't click. Can't really remember what happened but I recall that we got back together on January 1998 when classes resumed but did not last. I know that he was a very good person and it is impossible not to like him but I was still young and I really know nothing about serious love that time. Immature me. No regrets - just lesson learned.
When we graduated from Highschool, I had a picture of us taken by my mom. Though I never introduced Jigs to my family, how I wish they could have met him at least. (Now, I am suddenly wondering where have all my HS graduation pics gone?!) And before we finally lose the connection, last time we talked, he told me about Maybeline. She was his childhood friend and that they were going out.
And then I entered College. Then I graduated and flew to Japan to live with my family and study more. Came back to Manila then worked in Singapore. When I settled back here in the Philippines, 20 years now had passed, now, Im married to a very diligent, loving and God-fearing husband and we got two beautiful children, I dont remember Jigs and I having a chance to reconnect. He comes in my mind from time to time, very rare though but never completely out of it. Nothing really serious, just wondering how life has been.
Now going back to reality: Three days ago, when I saw the old picture on our FB group chat, his name came back to me and it's never been easier to look for his FaceBook profile. Not so long I found myself looking at his photos with his wife and his kids, now on the other side of the world. With no pretentions, I am happy for him that he has made a beautiful family. I tried to add him as a friend with big hopes he won't snob. Relieved, he accepted. I sent him private message right away saying It's me Ellay. How are you doing? When he replied a little later than two hours with he's ok and that he's at work and asking me as well how am I doing and if i got 2 kids now. I got to answer back after some few hours with full of excitement that I can finally gain back a long lost friend.
Not for anything else, I am just happy to hear and know anything about what happened in a long time we lost the communication. But it's been three days now that I was not replied to. Did not see that coming tho. Nonetheless, I understand if I'd be disregarded. Not a big deal. Might be that he's not comfortable in anyway or could also be because someone might get hurt or just simply he opts to keep the distance the way it's been. No hard feelings. Whatever it is, I am perfectly fine just to be a virtual FB friend, no more no less, to the one that got away.
*This has nothing to do with my relationship with my husband. I just wanted to share some good old memories. Please do not get me wrong, friends. Thanks!