Open Letter of a Trying Hard Mom

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I am not perfect. I am not even close to being perfect neither even close to the best or even better. I am not even sure if I am good... I mean, if I am being a good mother to my son. I often feel bad and feel guilty about everything being a mom. And today, I feel so sad overthinking and overfeeling all my lapses and insuffiencies. It's tough, actually. I just want to cry and scream silently hoping God would hear my heartaches.

I am wishing my guilt about everything won't control me. Sometimes, it's so difficult to endure the guilt whenever I leave home for work and let my precious son spend the day again with the nanny. All I could do is tell the nanny to please take care of him but after that, I am not even sure how she takes care of my son when all that is left is the two of them at home. I could only pray to God that my son is safe and that the nanny will be good to my baby.

But how could I take away my thoughts of wondering what food he had for the day, how his rashes are improving or aggravating, did his head bump against anything, is he always being kept clean by the nanny when all that I could be is to be with him for some few hours in a day, mostly it's either he's asleep or I am asleep (or sleepy). Just confessing these is hurtful for me. I really feel like a bad mom.

For a week, I only have one day off from work and whenever I do not go to work, in my mind and in my heart, I want to spend all my time with my husband and my son. If only I could take care of my baby 24 hours and not get tired! But all I could do is to carry him for a while and after some few minutes, put him back to his baby crib or give him back to the nanny or to his father because I easily get exhausted because of my pregnant condition. Which also adds a few more extra guilt in me thinking that if only I was not pregnant, maybe I could play with my son more often, maybe I could carry him more frequently, maybe I could teach him more baby tricks and stay up more late to cuddle him some more or talk to him how our day did.

Seeing some other moms seem to have everything in place and having their kids have those "It toys" also makes me feel guilty not being able to buy my dearest baby some of those  deluxe  Fisher-Price that lights up, talks and sounds when pressed... But my husband never seemed to be bothered by these little things. He always tells me that Hariell doesn't even know yet what he is playing and that those that I am thinking as "necessary" aren't. What our son really needs is us and our love and God's grace and not those expensive toys that mostly are just banged against the wall or the floor or even on our faces. <pfffftt!>

Sure my husband knows how to pacify my over-reacting feeling and I am thankful for that. How I wish I could also be more kind to myself. This is breaking, you know?

But then again, I would always imagine that Hariell would tell me that I am just doing fine :)