Clock is Ticking

Film of tears is almost blinding my eyes everytime I get to think of Nanay. She is getting weaker everyday. It is hurting seeing her go through this difficult stage. I had never seen her helpless like this. I realized that she had been wasting away for months. I had been so caught up in my own life that I took her for granted.

It is painful knowing that we only have so little time left together. She would never see me married; she would never hold my son, my daughter. The thought of living the rest of my life without her is almost too much to bear.

Last night, she asked me to go buy her an order of porridge. As I was feeding her, I took the guts to tell her, “Nay, sorry ha?”, willing the tears not to come. She looked me in the eyes and asked “Saan?” I said, “Kasi wala akong nagagawa sayo.” My voice was croaky when I let out those involuntary tears. I tried not to cry but I can’t help it. She just smiled and didn’t say a word. I made an effort to pop in some humor when I told her, “Ito na lang magagawa ko sayo. Subuan ka ng lugaw tsaka painumin ng tubig.” And embraced her. I wiped my tears, conscious that there would soon be a time when this simple act of affection would no longer be possible.

Nanay is turning 74 years old on January 30, God willing. All her life, she has been very good to her family, her friends, her neighbors, to people she knows. She has been the best grandmother to me and I could never ask for more. I love her. I just love her. I am trying to block the future in my head because once she’s gone, I will heartbreakingly miss her all my life.