‘'I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent."
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I embraced Christianity since 2001. At 19, my life changed forever. I had been gladly following His words despite many people’s objection and criticism. I do not mind their disapproval. After all, it is staying on to His words that I am concerned about. And although it is not easy to be His servant, I am staying because I would want to have His promise of eternity. That even life here on earth has not been good and fair, He will save us and give us an everlasting happiness in heaven. I have always longed for that. I always dreamed of reaching heaven.
It has been 10 years now since then. But unlike before, I have gone cold. Sad to say, little by little, I am being pulled in by worldly things. I am messing up. I am falling and failing. It seems so hard to be redeemed. I keep on fighting against myself that even until now, I am on constant struggle.
Now that I am slowly dragged away, my faith seems to be getting weaker. How I wish I could go back to who I used to be. The girl who was contented on what she simply has and even thankful for what she don’t. I pray I could still see that person. I pray it won’t be too late for recovery.
I am praying for His guidance and mercy for me not to completely turn astray and lead me back to where I am supposed to be, on His side. My heart is always weary, worried that one of these ordinary days, I might see myself in so much distance away from my refuge. I am always praying that He’d still keep me and never give up on me. I keep on asking Him to bless me back the passion to serve Him, despite and inspite of how difficult life has been turning out, regardless if I get or do not get what I am asking for, no matter what trials I am facing. I pray for His understanding and continuous compassion that even if I am falling short, He would still keep me in His shield.
God has always been good. Never an instance that He got something wrong and slipped up. If in anyway, I am messing up right now, it is completely my fault. I am the one who is wrong. Point fingers on me. It is all me. Then again, God is still kind that even if I am the one to be blamed, He still grants me with a way out. I still have my friends and parents in faith. Greater than true blood family, their concern is more than just a simple empathy. They are gifts from God. And I am one lucky unworthy Christian to have been blessed by these precious gifts. They also want me back with them, following God and Jesus Christ the right way.
I pray to see myself again in the near future, may God will, serving Him with joyful heart, contented with what I have and who I am - just like before. For even how insignificant I seem to be, this unworthy Christian nonetheless believe that God is compassionate enough to give second chances. I just have to prove that I am worth the pardon.
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“Ayaw ka namin mawala.
Sana ganun ka din.”
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