“How does it feel to love and be loved by someone unconditionally?” - There was a time when I was certain I knew the answer. Something like 8 years and 1 lifetime ago.
2003 - I just got out then from almost five year college relationship when I jumped to a new one with Rei*. To me, he will always be 23 and I will always be 21. The bittersweetness of how we started off being boyfriend and girlfriend will linger in my mind, if not forever, maybe, til I grow old. In just a week of getting to know each other, I felt something click like a key turning in a lock. I loved him soon and he felt the same way as well. We used to drive each other crazy. We shared a lot of firsts. We created memories full of love and laughter. We cut the dramas and fights. An effortless happiness that was so good to be true. Good in all the ways that matter.
It was only after 4 years when we had to deal with the most devastating point of our relationship and my life. I experienced all the emotions I could possibly feel: happy, blessed, ignored, confused, mad, depressed, miserable, heartbroken, in denial, scarred, suicidal and in constant route of self-blame. It was I, you see, who has ended it. For reasons I want to keep to myself, I ended our relationship over another guy. During that time, I felt that my love for Rei was slowly fading. I loved the second guy, in all due fairness. But it lasted only for three months. And though what happened left Rei all crashed and bruised, he was still the one who supported me to move on, get back on track when I and the second guy split up. It all happened on 2007.
We were both moving on but Rei still loved me despite all the hurt and pain I had caused him. We tried to mend broken hearts - this time with no strings attached to wind down the expectations. But even so, things were not the same anymore. Heart was wounded, pride was hurt, trust was damaged, our whole person was still in ache. We attempted letting go of what was left but we kept coming back to each other’s wounded heart, and damaged pride. This confusing and hurtful set-up went on for 4 years. Mostly for the reasons that we did not want to see the things we started go to waste, we have invested too much to leave all behind, we get hurt when new people are joining the scene, and perhaps, we were blinded by the thought of everything can still be alright.
Even so, just recently, we officially let go after eight years of having each other. Eight marvelously gruelling years. Because much as we tried to continue what we had beautifully started, the fact still shows up that once upon a time, wonderful dreams were shattered and so many things had been said and done. It is either we insist on staying together and keep hard feelings stacking up or accept the truth that people have to let go and look forward for a new life as learned individuals who hope that somewhere, sometime, someone out there will magically heal all wounds that this experience had brought. Yes, the second one, finally.
Though things did not work out as we planned, I stopped blaming myself for what had happened. I guess, it is just not meant to be. I guess, we just have to look at the brighter side of it. I guess, we just have to learn from it. Still, everything that we shared and everything that happened between us will always be special to me. All those bitter and sweet will always stay in my heart beautifully.
As Nicholas Sparks wrote, “Because in the end, and no matter how hard it is, acceptance helps people move on with the rest of their lives.”
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Currently listening to Yeng Constantino's Di Na Ganun
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